A recent Roar article Tallest Timber: The Test XIs made up from man mountains who towered over opponents compared international teams based on their tallest players.
The article noted that there is actually a perfect height for players over six feet tall: six foot two.
Well, as long as you don’t play for England.
Firstly, here is the greatest ever Test XI of players standing six foot 2:
1 Clyde Walcott
2 Trevor Goddard
3 Graeme Pollock
4 Dudley Nourse
5 Imran Khan
6 John R. Reid
7 Chris Cairns
8 Aubrey Faulkner
9 Ravi Ashwin
10 Andy Roberts
11 Patrick Patterson
12 Charlie Griffiths
Okay, it’s impossible to rate the chances of success of this height-based hypothetical team. Impossible. Having said that, this team would undoubtedly win 100% of the time.
This team is unbeatable. Un-beat-able. They would never lose. Anywhere. Ever. The spinning wickets in the subcontinent. The dubious decks in the Caribbean. The bouncy and seaming hard-tops in Australia and South Africa. The bog that is England. Or New Zealand where no one actually knows what the conditions are like. This team would never, ever, ever lose.
Firstly, the batting. Sir Clyde averaged 56.68 with 15 centuries in 44 Tests.
Goddard averaged 46 when batting at the top of the order in 17 Tests.
Imran Khan is a giant of Pakistani cricket. (Photo by S&G/PA Images via Getty Images)
Pollock, well if you need an explanation about Graeme Pollock you probably shouldn’t be reading this.
Nourse averaged 53.91 with nine centuries in 34 Tests.
Even Imran chips in with six hundreds in 88 Tests. As for the “tail”, there’s more than a few centuries among them.
Cairns (five in 62 Tests), Faulkner (four in 23 Tests) and Ashwin (six in 106 Tests). Cairns bats highest cause realistically he’s not going to get much of a bowl. We don’t want him to feel like he’s just making up the numbers.
The bowling attack of Roberts, Patterson, Imran, Goddard, Cairns, Ashwin and Faulkner. Reid can bowl, too, if you need an eighth Test-class bowler. Just chuck the gloves to Walcott.
So this team would never, ever lose. And, as incredulous as that seems, not even to the NSW Sheffield Shield team.
But we are a patriotic lot who have tunnel vision on the Ashes. So I’ve picked Australian and English teams of players standing 6 foot 2.
One thing we all agree on is that our little brothers from the Old Dart need all the help they can get. So we will use each players Ashes record in England for the purposes of mocking England. Seems logical, yet kinda dopey. Well, what did you expect when you read the article title?
Andrew Symonds. (Photo by Hamish Blair/Getty Images)
England
1 Alastair Cook: Made five centuries in 35 Ashes matches. All five were in Australia. I’ll say that again: all five of his Ashes centuries were scored in Australia. He made a few 90s at Lord’s, but that’s it. In 15 Ashes Tests in England, Cook scored 829 runs at 29.60 with six half-centuries.
2 Marcus Trescothick: Played 10 Ashes Tests in England. Like Sir Alastair, his failed to reach a century (top score 90). Averaged 37.60 with six half-centuries.
3. Michael Vaughan: The man who spends more time in Australia than the Prime Minister. Played five Ashes Tests in England. One century. One. Average 32.60.
4. WG Grace (c): His average with the bat was already middling (32.29 from 22 Tests. Yawn). How is this guy in All Time XI? Not for his batting. So let’s look at his captaincy record. Oh, he was a GREAT captain. In 13 Tests as captain, he averaged 28.33 batting with no hundreds. Of those, 10 were home Ashes Tests where his batting average dropped to 26.93 with three fifties. Picked in the best XI ever? Pfftt.
5. Ted Dexter: The robot from Perfect Match averaged 47.89 from 62 Tests with nine centuries. That average dropped to 40.9 in England from 12 Tests with two centuries. With the ball, he took 12 wickets at a slightly improved average of 30.75. But that’s still only one wicket per Test.
Ian Botham. (Photo by Adrian Murrell/Allsport/Getty Images/Hulton Archive)
6. Ian Botham: His batting averaged dropped five runs an innings to 28.30 during his 18 home Tests. His 79 wickets at 26.96 was lower than his career bowling average. Two Ashes centuries in England, Chappelli’s best mate and one of England’s most successful Test skippers.
7. Ben Foakes (WK): Yet to play an Ashes Test either England or God’s country. He’s played six Tests in England out of 25 overall, averaging 40 with one century and one fifty. Both England and Australia prefer Bairstow to keep, cause he’s known for his footwork down the pitch. Speaking of, just watch the Bairstow dismissal again. Go one. I guarantee you’ll enjoy it.
8. Chris Woakes: Foakes and Woakes. No, it’s not a hoax. Both Woakes’ batting and bowling average are four runs lower in eight home Ashes Tests compared to his career record. He’s averaging 21.9 with the bat (no half-centuries) and with the ball he’s taken 30 wickets at 25.73.
9. Jim Laker: “L.A” Laker was good. Very good. Including his famous 10 for 53, he took 64 wickets in 11 home Tests at the ridiculous average of 17.54. The downside is he only averaged 15.35 with the bat with one half-century. England’s tail will be a long one starting with W.G. Grace at 4.
10. Brian Statham: Let’s face it: he’ll always be in Fred Trueman’s shadow. And how good would “Shadow Statham” have been as a nickname. Overall, Shadow Statham (or as he preferred, ShadStat) took 252 wickets in 70 Tests at 24.84. In eight home Ashes Tests, he took 26 wickets at 29.73.
11. James Anderson: Let’s face it: he’ll always be in Stuart Broad’s shadow. But “Shadow Anderson”? Sounds like great American author from the 1800’’s. His career bowling average is 26.45. In Ashes Tests? Rubbish. In 18 Tests in England, Shadow Anderson took 49 wickets at 38.69.
James Anderson. (Photo by Chris Hyde/Getty Images)
12th man – Devon Malcolm: Boy, he was fast. How about that time he got nine-for against South Africa? But that was against South Africa, in South Africa. In six home Ashes Tests, he took 13 wickets at 49.46 with a best of 3/84. He might come in with England down two – nil in the third Test for Shadow Anderson.
Rating: Their top four average a lowly 32. Debutant Woakes can barely get a game behind “Stumpy” Bairstow. The bowlers combined average is 27.73 but that’s flattered by Laker’s remarkable figures. Take out the spinner and the average of the seamers swells to 30. With a very brittle batting line up, no team will win an Ashes series taking a wicket for every 30 runs. No matter now many L.A. Laker’s they have.
Australia
1. Matt Hayden: His Ashes record in England is still better than his commentary. Averaged 34.50 from 10 Tests with one century. This is higher than three of the top four English batters. Take that, W.G.
2. Bill Lawry: The padded cadaver’s average in England was barely a run lower than his career average. In England he scored four centuries and five half-centuries at 45.77 from 14 Tests.
3. Matt Elliott: In some of his photos, boy he looks exactly like the actor Christopher Lambert. Love “Herb” being here. Never played an Ashes Test in Australia. But in his six away Ashes Tests, he averaged 55.60 with two centuries and two fifties, including a 199 run out at Headingley in 1997.
Keith Miller. (Photo by Topical Press/Getty Images)
4. Keith Miller: He Miller wouldn’t have cared less about his average. Not one bit. If skipper Phanto gave Nugget a bit of freedom, he would have been fine. In 15 away Ashes Tests he averaged 24.40 with the bat with one century. With the ball he took 44 wickets at 24.34. Pretty handy for a bloke who didn’t care about averages.
5. Andrew Symonds: Imagine Roy and Nugget batting together. In his 26 Tests never played an Ashes Test away. He did play eight Tests outside of Australia, averaging 34.83 with the bat (no centuries) and taking three wickets at 90.66.
6. Ernie Toshack: “The Black Prince” will bring a bit of stability after the humpty-doo of Roy and Nugget. Played four of his 12 Tests in England in 1948. His average of 51 with the bat was inflated by a helpful not out’s. With the ball he took 11 wickets at 33.09 doing the donkey work with the old ball while Lindwall and Miller stoked their engines.
Matthew Hayden plays a sweep in 2008. (Photo by Robert Cianflone/Getty Images)
7. Bill Johnston: Played eight of his 48 Tests in England. Averaged 28 with the bat (17 higher than his career batting average) and 34 wickets at 28.6 with the ball.
8. Ray Robinson (w/k): Stockton-born Robinson only played one Test against England in Brisbane in 1936. With Oldfield keeping, Robinson contributed five runs for the match as Australia got belted by 322 runs. Had they given Ray the gloves, it’s likely they would have won by 322 runs.
9. Alan Connolly: In the 1968 series, he played all five Tests and topped the series wicket taking with 23 wickets at 25.69. He also batted eight times: of those the only times he troubled the scorers was 2 not out in the first Test and three in the last Test. The series was drawn one all.
10. Bill O’Reilly: Nine Tests in England, 56 wickets at 26.16. Took a five-four on four occasions. His record holds up next to Warney’s who took 129 wickets from 22 Tests at 21.94 with nine five-fours.
11. Terry Alderman: Terry gets out Al-der-man. Get it? And in England, he sure did. Twelve Tests, 83 wickets at 19.33. He took the wicket of Graham Gooch at least 80 of those 83 dismissals.
Rating: A far superior top three, Roy and Nugget to bring the fireworks and proven bowling attack. Horses-for-courses rules out Max Walker (28 wickets from nine Tests at 37), Mitchell Johnson (35 wickets at 33.57 from 10 Tests) and Brett Lee (29 wickets from 18 Tests at 45.44) and, um Scott Boland. It breaks my heart to say in ScoBo’s two away Ashes Tests he’s taken two wickets at 115. But let’s focus on his home Ashes Tests, okay.
Let’s not forget Peter Siddle, who played 14 Ashes Tests in England, taking 50 wickets at 30.30. One more wicket in four fewer Tests with a better average than Shadow Anderson.
Result: So who wins? WHO WINS?? Are you having a laugh? W.G. Grace’s record was worse than a hungover bovine’s halitosis. And the rest of his team of so-called England legends have decidedly non-legendary Ashes records. Oh no they don’t. All right, except for L.A. Laker.
Maybe with their height, they should try their hand at basketball?