Just when you thought Bazball had reached its nadir, England’s cricket team said hold my beer.
They were no longer feeling the after-effects of too many drinks in the Sunshine Coast sun but they looked drunk on Bazball Kool-Aid in their inexplicable display on day one of the fourth Test in Melbourne with 20 wickets falling on a bizarra Boxing Day.
It was the first time two innings had been completed on the first day of a Test in Australia since 1951.
England’s bowlers came to the party to bowl out Australia for 152 but their batters threw that advantage away with a series of poor shots and reckless batting as unlikely match-winner Michael Neser ran amok.
They were bowled out in the shadows of stumps for 110 with Neser (4-45) leading the way in front of a record crowd of 94,199.
The Aussies even had to bat a second time, facing one over but managed to avoid any further carnage with Scott Boland adding to his MCG legend by performing nightwatcher duties to get them to four without loss with an edged boundary from the last ball of the day.
Harry Brook exemplified the brainless tactics of slogging out when digging in was required.
The vice-captain danced down the wicket to Mitchell Starc from the first ball he faced and blasted a breezy 41 from 34, whacking two fours and a couple of sixes.
When compared to his teammates it doesn’t sound too bad an innings but it was a microcosm of all that’s wrong with coach Brendon McCullum’s theory of all out aggression.
England needed Brook to occupy the crease and keep the Aussies at bay, not entertain the crowd for an hour before exiting in cavalier fashion.
He was not the only culprit with other batters ramping, charging the bowlers and basically displaying zero commonsense on a wicket that was seaming but not substandard by any means.
They had all the momentum after the Aussies were rolled before the tea break but they handed it back in a flash to be 3-8 by the fifth over.
Ben Duckett definitely didn’t find that Uber to the nets after he chipped Starc to mid-on for two.
Jacob Bethell, handed No.3 duties after Ollie Pope was axed, made just one run before he nicked Michael Neser to Alex Carey while Zak Crawley edged Starc to Steve Smith on five.
Neser found Joe Root’s outside edge from the 15th scoreless ball he faced and the tourists were just 16 with the fourth wicket down.
Brook blazed away and there was an inevitability to his dismissal with Scott Boland trapping him in front before he also sent Jamie Smith and Will Jacks packing for the addition of only seven runs.
When Ben Stokes fell in the cordon to Neser for 16, the Poms were 8-83 and facing the prospect of bowling a second time on Boxing Day.
At least they managed to reach triple figures thanks to Gus Atkinson’s 28 before he was bowled by Cameron Green in search of the boundary.
Josh Tongue had earlier produced the kind of incisive bowling performance that the tourists have been sadly missing to restrict the Aussies to just 152 inside the first two sessions.
For the fourth match in a row, the Aussies went in with a rejigged batting line-up and this time around, they never settled.
Travis Head, as he does whether he’s opening or in the middle order, looked skittish early and made just 12 before he chopped Gus Atkinson onto his stumps.
If the Australians are to persist with Head at the top of the order they need a reliable partner alongside him and unfortunately for Jake Weatherald, he’s yet to prove he can be that player.
Weatherald departed soon after ahead on 10 when he nicked a leg glance to Jamie Smith.
Alarm bells started ringing at 3-34 when Marnus Labuschagne nicked Tongue to Root at first slip on six.
Like Weatherald as he tries to establish himself in Test cricket this series, Labuschagne is yet to eradicate the doubts about his weakness outside off stump which led to him being dropped for the preceding Caribbean tour.
Tongue whipped up the ball of the day to jag an off-cutter through the usually impregnable defences of Steve Smith on nine.
Usman Khawaja (29) and Carey (20) steadied the ship momentarily before they followed each other in quick succession.
Khawaja was found to have feathered the faintest edge behind after a DRS review before Carey clipped Stokes straight to Crawley who had been positioned for that exact shot at leg slip.
A 52-run partnership between Green and Neser put England on the back foot before the allrounder stuffed up all round.
Green dropped a forward defensive shot at his feet and hesitated in calling Neser through for a sharp single but Brydon Carse was more decisive, pouncing on the ball and throwing down the stumps to send him on his way for 17.
After narrowly beating out Josh Inglis and Beau Webster for the final batting slot, Green needed to do better to reinforce his place in the team after scores of 24, 45, 0 and seven.
“It just shows that when you get those opportunities you’ve got to make them count,” former Australian swing bowler Damien Fleming said on Seven commentary in reference to the second Test at the Gabba when he threw his wicket away with a cavalier shot.
Neser became the unlikely top scorer with seven boundaries in his 35 but Tongue polished off the tail, including Boland for a golden duck, to clinch his five-wicket haul and head into the second innings on a hat-trick.
At least there’s something for England look forward to.