Monty Panesar: My Mastermind performance was shocking, but at least I am not a cheat like Steve Smith | Column

I’ve started, so I’ll finish. Those were the words I heard at the end of my Mastermind shocker six years ago. But if I’m guilty of anything, it is having bad general knowledge. And that is better than being a cheat.

I am in Sydney for this winter’s Ashes series so thankfully I will be in the right time zone to watch Steve Smith bat. But I watched the Australia cricket captain launch his hilarious press conference performance from the comfort of my sofa. And what a performance it was.

I simply cannot believe that the Australian captain on the eve of the Ashes brought up my Celebrity Mastermind performance from 2019. Yes, I know I had an absolute shocker that day. I got six questions right on my specialist subject, Sikhism and its history, then got only one question correct in the general knowledge round. It was terrible, I know it was bad.

However, at least I can hold my hands up and admit that. It’s bad knowledge, but at least it isn’t ball-tampering. I would actually ask Steve whether he can look himself in the mirror yet and admit that he was part of “sandpapergate”, the worst example of Australian cheating in history.

To think that he wanted to talk about me before one of the biggest days of his career – when he will lead Australia out against England as he stands in for absent captain Pat Cummins – is flattering, and nothing short of hilarious.

I cannot believe he has dug out the old YouTube clip of my shocker and memorised it word by word. I must admit I am delighted to have got so far inside his head, but if I am able to achieve that, imagine how much damage Ben Stokes and his side are going to be able to do once play starts in Perth?

Steve has just displayed a massive weakness and mental vulnerability that, at this level of elite sport, you cannot afford to do. Look, we are all cricketers at the end of the day and I had some great days playing for my country, but I also had some shockers. He has had a lot of great days playing for his country but he has had one very big shocker: that day in South Africa in 2018.

We’ve both made mistakes, but at least mine was on a celebrity quiz show. His was on a cricket field, and we both have to live by them. It seems right now only one of us can.

If I was Steve, I would have just owned up as soon as the question was asked. “Yes, Monty is right, it’s something I will have to deal with and own for the rest of my life”, something like that. But bringing up my quiz show shocker instead just looks foolish. It’s like something you would see on The Traitors. Somebody has clocked that he is a traitor, so he’s tried to convince them by saying “Well, you know Monty is a traitor”.

There is another problem that Steve may not have considered: the Barmy Army. I have already seen England fans coming up with chants to be sung at him as he walks to the crease, and I cannot wait to hear some new ones. What about: “He’s in your head, in your head, Monty, Monty”?

Those chants are going to follow him every innings, at every Test, for the next six weeks. He has made himself a target for the Barmy Army and history shows they never fail to hit the target. That could really rattle him.

When you play in the Ashes, you have got to make the most of any advantage, no matter how little. I remember how Freddie Flintoff had Adam Gilchrist’s number because he would go around the wicket. Gilchrist couldn’t negate that angle and Freddie just kept getting him.

It is such an intensive series that you struggle to get to sleep at night, you sit up questioning yourself. And now Stokes and Brendon McCullum can start asking even more questions of Steve; how can we get into him about his integrity? How can we get into him about his technique? All these things, they could be just one per cent, but that is enough to be the difference between winning and losing in the Ashes.

I think England might give him grief now because of this, because it brings sandpapergate back to the boil. If I was Jofra Archer, I would be telling him “I’m swinging the ball even without sandpaper!”, or if I was Joe Root I’d be in his ear, “tell us how you do it mate, fine or coarse paper? Tell us the tricks of your trade”.

Suddenly, if he does not score any runs in Perth, that pressure will pile up and we could see weakness spread across a squad who may start to question their own captain.

I have never had any previous bad blood with Steve. I think he is a nice, friendly guy. But I have long thought he is not as good against spin as he is seam bowling. I remember when I got him out in Adelaide. Steve was a young lad coming into the team in 2013 and was earmarked as one for the future. He was always great at moving his feet and coming down the pitch. But Adelaide was a quick-turner and he just did not move his feet. There’s another weakness for Stokes to go after.

Some people have suggested what he did was bullying, but I don’t believe that. He’s tried to deflect the attention on to me and I get that.

But what I do question is whether he should be Australia captain given what he has done? That for me raises serious questions about Australia’s leadership and a lack of it across the squad. If it was an England player who had been found guilty of blatant ball-tampering like Smith’s team were, I don’t think they would be captaining this team going into this series. I think that would be very tricky given how 2018 played out.

Steve has made a massive blunder, and I cannot wait to watch now how it plays out. Will it disrupt Australia? I hope so, as it could be just the thing that sways the series in England’s favour.